Five Years!

Of all places I kid my self that I know, I know this place better..

I have more beloved ones here than any other place..

I know all the exits..

It feels more like home.

Five years ago, the same place, the very same time.. The same spot, no more no less.. It was a red sun, white coffin, and a hard rock that love could dig into a grave. We never thought we could ever dig that rock, and yet, it was where you are meant to lay down. They loved you, oh so much did they, and it was a natural sight to see them destroying that hard rock to spare you your place, next to your beloved mother.. You belonged there, not in the dirty little hole we are left into. I remember your last night. I was hiding from you, for not completing a task you assigned to me. I pretended to be asleep and turned off the light. Oh, since when do I turn the light off?! You said nothing, and in the morning I never saw you.. I never saw you afterwards, and never gonna do again. I was sick that day, spending time at home far away from where you were. I got to you late, when you are already gone. That was it, you went when I was hiding in shame, and you went far when I was late. Shame and lateness are all what I gave you ever since… I am sorry…

I prepared many defenses ever since, for what I’m gonna say. Too much was expected of me, too much that no one could ever get that high this way. I was not completely understood, and I was always late for a reason. I make no excuses now, and just wish to pass this burden to no other person. I will defend whom I love from these great expectations, and no one has to be anything more or less..

A young boy left us today. He had the same name, and the sorrow was near. I wish him God’s merci. I had to go through the same process, in a closer place, where people are burying a person whom was never expected to be in here. The same person saying the prayers, the same hitting the rock, the same old men with all the wisdom in the world, saying the same shit they say endlessly.. When is your turn Goddammit? And the same friends stood by me that day…

I met a young boy. His name was Ahmed, just like me.. He is in fifth grade, and knows no other place to call home. He insisted that he knew nothing else before they came here. “My mom knows all”, he said. I had a little chat with him, and I swear I saw your face moving next to me.. I couldn’t catch you, or was I late as always?!

Father, forgive me.. It’s too heavy that I cannot carry by my own. It’s too hot that it burns me to the bone, and it is so watched that I cannot have a space for wisdom.

I’ve tried so hard to tell myself that you’re gone
But though you’re still with me
I’ve been alone all along

Would I write a six years post? Would I still keep on on this failed life yet another whole year? Oh God, never again…

Say A Little Prayer For You

In couple of hours, we’re having an addition to our family.. A baby girl to brighten our days.. I have some little prayers, O ALLAH please grant them…

• For my beloved sister, my boo, my love, I pray you a safe easy operation. May ALLAH give you the strength.. And may your angle lighten your life and bring you happiness.. Amen.
• For the beloved angle, I wish you a happy landing.. It’s a terrible world, I can assure you. We’ll try to walk you through some dark nights, but the rest is yours to fight. I wish you a great life, great goals, and a great mystries broken roads that lead to happiness.. Uncle loves you hun :-)
• For my beloved mom, I wish you tension free d

Little Things

Believe it or not this was planned to be a happy blog post!

I launched the laptop (didn’t quite liked the idea of writing with touch keyboards.. like the old men with pens :D ), typed this very title, and the post was about to be bombed with happiness!

The happy Eid, the family gathering, D, Mu, and J are in town and the shella is a whole again, and for quite a few days ago, some of my presumably impossible dreams were coming true (or so I thought), and I had a good night sleep before eid and I actually woke up without the bad feelings, and it was the first day in a long loooong time without death wishing.. I wrote sentences filled with joy that no one could possibly read it without smiling ear to ear.. Sentences, I tell you, that would smell lavender, taste chocolate, and look pinkish and flowery.. It was a sacred war to turn this blog into a heaven of happiness, and I was about to turn it upside down so one would swear I never saw a bad day before..


I believe in karma…

Day passed and every thing was getting better, sweeter, and happier. Then shit happened. No other phrase could describe it. And the bad thing that happen had the fabulous ability to bring all my bad karma to the scene..

It reminded me that I have to stop lying to myself. Noted.

It reminded me that I’m a loser.. I’m never good enough. Noted.

It reminded me that what was not meant to be, will never be no matter how hard you wanted. Noted.

It reminded me of everything I wanted so hard and never get.

Of every place I dreamed of and never been.

Of every face I’ve never seen.

And of every heart I never touched.



Now let’s start this thing over. Remove all happiness. The same title, surprisingly, will do…

Happiness and I are never meant to be together…

So as her and me..

Hope happiness and her bond together.. They have a lot in common..

They, both, are not for me :)


EDIT: Upside down again, and the night turned out to be the sweetest night I’ve ever had. Unfortunately, one still deserves what he deserves. I’m still not good enough…

Google Faulty Sync

Google sync services were blocked in Sudan a couple of weeks ago! [read some discussion]

At the same timing, my Android phone had a system update, to Android 4.4.4 (that’s why I went with the Nexus!). After the update I had some problems regarding contacts sync: I couldn’t add new contacts! I mean, I could but after a minute or some, I lose that contact! I’ve found a couple of articles about intermittent problems alike and really didn’t bother myself much. I don’t get new contacts often and since the problem I only had to add two, and they were not important (sorry :\).

Yesterday I came across some tweet accidentally (so accidentally that I cannot find anymore!). It was someone asking whether there was a new sanction on Google sync services in Sudan. We’re already under sanction in various other services, and overcoming the sanctions has many ways: some use different Android Market, some use various VPN or anonimity network configurations, and some just transfer apk files and don’t use it anyway.. I used to use all those before, and quite familiar with many other censorship circumvention methods (hell, I’m kinda expert!). But this now is a game changer!

Back in the old days, the problem was how to reach some service that you need right now, you need to access some service (Google Play Apps, to download an app for example), you hop in to your favorite censorship circumvention tool, download the app, et voila!, you’ve got what you wanted. You want to update? same process. You want to access Google Code? Apple’s App Store? Oracle? same same. You see why now the game changed? No? Then bare with me..

Now imagine the following scenario with me: you are on the go, walking in the streets with mind full of joy and heart full of happiness. You meet an old old friend, that whom you haven’t met in ages. You start picking up from where you left many years ago, ask him about his school sweetheart. Oh you broke up? I’m so sorry. He asks you about your long time friend that he thinks you [still baring with me? LOL] are still in touch with him. You are not? Oh! And the shamarat are unlimited, but unfortunately time is. So you split up, promising to meet again very soon, and exchange your [new, current] phone numbers. So here comes the catch: you save the contact as you’ve always do: John Doe, 09xxxxxxxx, and you smile and shake hands and move away. You are a smart guy, and you do appreciate the use of the cloud, and you sync your contacts with your Google account (logical cloud choice: you’re in AndroidLand). The phone after some time (less than a minute usually) starts to sync your contacts (a modification? let’s sync that up) and if you’re [still] baring with me, here comes the catch: the expected behavior was to add the new number to the list, but what actually happens is that your phone tries to sync, fails (because you’re Sudanese thus you’re a terrorist), and then reverts back and DELETES THE NEW CONTACT! I have no idea (of course) who signed off this deletion step but hey, screw you. I hope your wife finds out you’re cheating on her, your parents tell you that you were adopted, and your children tell you they never really loved you. Why on earth you chose to delete it?!

So, in this catch resides the new game changer: the timing. Before we chose the timing, we hopped in to our special arrangements when we wanted to look like we’re outside of Sudan, and then we continued our lives smoothly. Now the other process, the sync process, happens in the background. We do not control (mostly) when it happens, and Android developers seem to be trying to give most of the control to the app developers and less control to the end users. Now unless you’re 24/7 on some anonymity/VPN configuration, this is not working anymore…

Couple of solutions I’m considering regarding this situation:

  • Stopping contact sync altogether (and any other sync that causes problems).

pros: no sync errors if you’re not in sync! cons:! Changing phones will be a pain..

  • Sync to another vendor.

pros: staying in sync, always backed up. cons: they may be next in the list of vendors doing the sanctions.

  • Sync to a local account (e.g. Outlook sync)

pros: staying in sync, never worry about vendors going crazy. cons: not a real sync, plus your laptop becomes very critical.

  • Leaving AndroidLand altogether, and snapping back to iOSVille.

pros: staying in sync, more lovely platform. cons: the same as #2. plus why I switched platform at the first place?!

  • Staying in the VPN configuration 24/7.

pros: G sync will be as normal. cons: our internet is already crappy, and Google doesn’t like Tor users more than Sudanese people!

  • Suing Google, American Foreign Affairs Secretary, Sudanese government, and all affiliated in that matter. [a little too much]

pros: you may change the world.

cons: you’ll lose money, effort, get treated as crazy, and NISS will take care of you in a not-very-cool way.


Maybe snapping back to the old school of papers and pens will do. I don’t do phone calls very well already, why can’t I communicate using only emails?!

New Old Tools

Ubuntu One is shutting down! I’ve been advocating this service to all my family and friends so I’ve got kinda ashamed when they decided to shut down because they couldn’t be as competent as other services. I know this isn’t personal, but I kinda feel I betrayed those whom I promised that they’ll find it more satisfying than others. Damn you Canonical! You should’ve hired me to run it for you instead of just running away…

Taking this chance to rethink my whole soft/hard tool-gear, I think there might be some other tools I’m using that I may consider changing, or letting go anyway:

  • I use Ubuntu One for my files storage, the lighter ones (up to 2 GiB). As I already said, I need [have] to change it, because by the end of this month, they are in total blackout. While I’m writing these lines I’ve signed up to Dropbox, because apparently I can’t remember any other name of a storage-in-the-cloud vendor off my head now, and I have some books I need to read back home today! That may change by tomorrow, but right now, we’ll stick to Dropbox!
  • I use trello to ‘Organize Everything’. It’s quite working for me till now, but two things I can add more with it: learn how to use it like a pro, and move my company to use it instead of our self-hosted tracking system crap that proved useless over and over. #2 ain’t gonna happen (yeah, that’s the spirit!).
  • I used to use MS Outlook calender for scheduling. It sucks. Being in the corporate world forces you for things like this but not anymore. Since no one actually use it properly, and we end up manually editing all scheduling requests, I recently started using Google Calender and actually merged my business calender with my personal calender (hey, I’m one person. Why should I check two calenders?!). My personal calender was in iCloud, and since I moved (again) to Androidland from iOSVille, I just started to dump everything to Google. They seem to work well for both so if I moved back (again) I’m kinda safe…
  • My contacts are already synced with Google. A lesson learned long time ago, though KitKat is making me reconsider :\
  • I use GMail as my personal and personal-professional email. My work email is self hosted (kinda), but I use it as little as I can, because it sucks by design! I can’t get those who still use Hotmail (or live, or Outlook, or whatever new brand they try to hide their suckie product behind), and I totally hope the NSA get all those Yahoo! users. Why are you using ymail? It sucked since day one !!!
  • Instead of using the official Twitter apps, I started using TweetDeck. This thing is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. I can’t even describe my first impression when I used it the very first time. Not only you can see other users’ mentions, but you can even see the timeline from their perspective! You can impersonate any user, and aside from protected accounts and DMs, you can totally be them! Stalking, the new school ;)
  • More professional tools, I started trying Toad for Oracle. I didn’t like it, so I’m probably sticking to PL/SQL Developer. Sometimes what you learn first sticks forever…
  • Chrome is my natural browser choice. Thanks (again) to the corporate world, I have to keep IE installed (the thanking also goes to Windows engineers whose integration of IE into the core system was astonishing!). And get this: Some idiots restrict their web apps to IE only FOR SECURITY REASONS. And I thought I’m the biggest loser in the world!
  • My fav editor stays the same: Notepad++. Although I don’t like the fact that it is Windows-only, but I spend most of time on Windows anyway, and NP++ makes the experience less sufferable..
  • OnTopReplica is an awesome tool you can use to make a specific window Always-On-Top. Think all those boring readings and writing or work hours, and how much you’d appreciate being able to actually watch a movie at the very same time. It changes the way you do boring stuff…
  • For antivirus program, I’m sticking with the one and only Kaspersky. These people offer more than just PC protection, they offer a security culture which is, for a geek like me, a thing worth sticking with. The Pure is a bit expensive so I’m on the Internet Security option…
  • I’m using her words as my on-earth heaven, my escape from all people, their crappy presence, their inadequacy, my inadequacy, and me. These words may not be for me, but I bet they touch no one as they do to me. Thank you, whatever of your names you like more :)
  • I have an obsession of cool gadgets. I use my laptop as for all work stuff, movies and TV shows (with the lovely projector and my new wireless headset), I use my old iPhone as 1) a backup phone, and 2) an iPod. iPhones really really do well as iPods with all this capacity and software stability, and the fact that Android music players suck (Google Play Music is the suckiest)! I use my iPad Air for pretty much anything on the go: non-work related professional issues, social networks, books and reading on general, and sometimes a movie would be a perfectly good experience on the retina display :) My primary phone is my new toy: the Nexus 5. It makes a good case for using Android, but still not as necessary.. More on that later…
  • My idea generator, my idiots-explainer, and my big ideas simplifier: My white board. That reminds me I have to get new pens for this babe the soonest. Couple of months ago I managed to get another one for the office, and its best use there is to insult each other.. Not a bad use actually in such an environment.
  • The missing stuff: I have to get me a good printer for home. We currently use some hp color all-in-one garbage that consumes ink like there’s no tomorrow. I gotta make that stop and get a proper one, even a black and white would do…
  • I make intensive use of her smile as a suicidal ideas removal tool. It can also function, among other uses, as a stress release tool, a happiness provider, and a light generator. God bless…

A gentle reminder..

This is your real life..

This is not a trial run.

It is the real thing..

You failed it

You failed the real thing..


You’re welcome…