Of all places I kid my self that I know, I know this place better..
I have more beloved ones here than any other place..
I know all the exits..
It feels more like home.
Five years ago, the same place, the very same time.. The same spot, no more no less.. It was a red sun, white coffin, and a hard rock that love could dig into a grave. We never thought we could ever dig that rock, and yet, it was where you are meant to lay down. They loved you, oh so much did they, and it was a natural sight to see them destroying that hard rock to spare you your place, next to your beloved mother.. You belonged there, not in the dirty little hole we are left into. I remember your last night. I was hiding from you, for not completing a task you assigned to me. I pretended to be asleep and turned off the light. Oh, since when do I turn the light off?! You said nothing, and in the morning I never saw you.. I never saw you afterwards, and never gonna do again. I was sick that day, spending time at home far away from where you were. I got to you late, when you are already gone. That was it, you went when I was hiding in shame, and you went far when I was late. Shame and lateness are all what I gave you ever since… I am sorry…
I prepared many defenses ever since, for what I’m gonna say. Too much was expected of me, too much that no one could ever get that high this way. I was not completely understood, and I was always late for a reason. I make no excuses now, and just wish to pass this burden to no other person. I will defend whom I love from these great expectations, and no one has to be anything more or less..
A young boy left us today. He had the same name, and the sorrow was near. I wish him God’s merci. I had to go through the same process, in a closer place, where people are burying a person whom was never expected to be in here. The same person saying the prayers, the same hitting the rock, the same old men with all the wisdom in the world, saying the same shit they say endlessly.. When is your turn Goddammit? And the same friends stood by me that day…
I met a young boy. His name was Ahmed, just like me.. He is in fifth grade, and knows no other place to call home. He insisted that he knew nothing else before they came here. “My mom knows all”, he said. I had a little chat with him, and I swear I saw your face moving next to me.. I couldn’t catch you, or was I late as always?!
Father, forgive me.. It’s too heavy that I cannot carry by my own. It’s too hot that it burns me to the bone, and it is so watched that I cannot have a space for wisdom.
I’ve tried so hard to tell myself that you’re gone
But though you’re still with me
I’ve been alone all along
Would I write a six years post? Would I still keep on on this failed life yet another whole year? Oh God, never again…